About two months ago, a friend of mine suddenly sent a message and asked me about the reason behind my decision to remove all photos on my old Instagram account. Without thinking further, I told the truth. This all happened because of my mental condition. Unexpectedly, she gave me an amazing solution. She said the effect of this solution could make my soul free.
“Mental ijah lo kudu diberantas dulu. Lo harus ubah semua username akun media sosial lo, termasuk blog. Ijah is not fit for you. Lo terlalu berharga kalo pake nama Ijah. Elo artisnya, bukan pemeran pembantu. Nama lo tuh keren. Walau banyak yang pake Zahra, tapi nama belakang lo bikin jadi strong”
I was surprised yet so happy to hear that. After texting her, I straightly opened my old Instagram account and put back some photos from the archive. Then, I changed the username form ijahzahra to zahra.rabbiradlia. Surprisingly, I felt so delighted and I got my motivation back. I never thought changing the name could affect feelings inside my heart.
My Mental Condition
Marriage was not easy for me. For the past 3 years, I struggled to control the emotions along the way. It was hard. I was facing a new family, new cultures, new perspectives, new thoughts, new how to. Throughout these years, my whole life changed. Not only it affected me, but also my family.
I admit there was a time I really want to give up. It was too hurt. I realized that I couldn’t stand from what they said about me and my family. I surely know my family was not perfect. But the way they said about us, it was too painful.
As a wife, I knew I am still struggling. Sometimes I cannot control the emotions and words. I did many mistakes, so he did. But the difference of man and woman had made me feel insecure and unloved.
I need to heal myself. Surely, I must change the way of thinking.
The Process of Self Awareness
Every day, I pray to Allah to give me kindness, qaulan sadida (good words), qaulan baligha (effective words), qaulan layyinan (gentle words), qaulan ma’rufa (polite words), qaulan karima (noble words) and qaulan maitsura (understandable words). I ask forgiveness to Him for every mistaken word, acts, and prejudice, especially to my husband and parents. And I pray, every day, to give me the ability to be grateful because His Love is immense and this trial is also His Grace.
Praise the Lord. He gave me the enlightenment. For life isn’t something others do, but it’s about how we react. Every pain that I feel doesn’t always come from others. Surely it happened because I allowed their words and thoughts to control myself.
Perbanyak istighfar dan shalawat, Teh. Sering-sering ngaji bareng anak-anak. Insyaallah Teteh bisa melewati setiap ujian hidup.
My mom, my biggest lover. She always motivates me, listens patiently and gives me feedback. And if I told my feelings about others, she never judges anyone.
By His Grace, I can see happiness around my sad feelings: I married the man I love, we have two adorable kids, and living abroad. My husband allowed me to pursue my dreams. He always motivates me to be a better Muslimah. We perform shalat and recite Qur’an together, also teach our kids in an Islamic way. These are something I dreamed of.
Then, Allah made one of my trusted friends (Teh Beb) text me when I felt so hopeless. Without any doubt, I asked solutions for the problems I had. She then delivered some homework for me, but no one of the points was easy. One of the points: I must change the username of my social media from Instagram, Twitter, until Blog. Gosh, it was challenging.
First, she told me to turn back on my old Instagram account, changed its username, and block people that made me insecure. Then, upload the photos regularly and give the soul on it.
Second, change the blog. To be honest, this part was the most difficult one. I must let ijaah.com whole-heartedly. Even so, I am so thankful for this domain had accompanied me for 6 years and brought me to the next level of the blogger: a professional one.
In the name of God, I decided to change all parts of my old blog, from the domain until the hosting. I changed ijaah dot com in Blogger to zahra-rabbiradlia dot com in WordPress. It took a month for me to finally published the new one.
Surprisingly, even though I need to spend money and time to do the migration, decorate the theme, and fix some minor problems, I was so happy to do all these things. For a moment, I feel so enthusiastic and energetic to fill all of my social media with my story.
The New Me
Bismillah, I have my spirit back and it is surely a great source for me to be a better blogger and writer. If something painful happened again, I will make it as a story to heal my soul. I will do anything I want to do. I am not afraid because I am a learner, and I will make every mistakes as a source to bounce back.
Yes, this is the new me.
I am Zahra Rabbiradlia, with His Grace, I am ready to create a more beautiful life.
Credit : Image by Mrs Hall from Pixabay